Sermon Superstar Pillows

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'The Human Right Act bans ANY cruel or unusual treatment...we may need to rewrite our ENTIRE customer care policy!'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Girls in Science

Applause

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

The Waiter

"Please refrain from throwing business cards."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

'I understand there have been complaints that his sermons weren't getting through to the teenagers.'

'Personally, I prefer a more traditional message for Easter Service.'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

"Reverend your sermon was divine, naturally."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

Super Bowl Sunday sermon: "Is it better to kick off or receive?"

"Well I did consider a career as a 'nursie'...but then I opted for the more rewarding option of specialising in particle physics and nanotechnology."

'Pastor Bob is so dramatic.'

"Like the boy scouts, Preacher; always prepared."

"Oh, me? I gave a seminar, wrote a unch of grants, did some experiments and now it's lunchtime."

Pastor Joe never works blue: 'I avoid the sex and violence of the Old Testament.'

"Could you all please just listen to my sermon instead of asking me what I would do?"