Sermon Strategist Pillows

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"Pastor, we think it's time for your sabbatical."

'Maybe you could find a sermon idea in HERE.'

It was that moment that Pastor Russ realized that it was Saturday.

"I have a feeling the preacher isn't well prepared this morning."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Monk Prompt

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

Sermon Applause.

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'And now over to Mike for the video presentation...Mike?...Mike?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.