Sermon Seating Strategist Pillows

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Monk Prompt

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'This was designed for people who have mastered easy chairs and want to attempt something more difficult.'

Sermon Applause.

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."