Sermon Seating Strategist Prints

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

Monk Prompt

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'This was designed for people who have mastered easy chairs and want to attempt something more difficult.'

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'