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'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"Pastor, we think it's time for your sabbatical."

'Maybe you could find a sermon idea in HERE.'

It was that moment that Pastor Russ realized that it was Saturday.

"I have a feeling the preacher isn't well prepared this morning."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Monk Prompt

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.