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"-Haven't seen my notes for Sunday's sermon lying about anywhere, dear?"

'If God tells you what to say in your sermon, why do you make so many corrections?'

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"Your sermons are colourful and have the common touch but you'll have to cut down on the effing and blinding..."

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

We need a Europe of U-turns.

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Monk Prompt

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

How's my sermon. . .

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

The Sleeping Congregation.

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Here's a draft of my speech, Accounts Receivable as Collateral When Obtaining Asset Based Lending. Make it pop."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."