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Welcome! Putting the fear of God in folks since 1874.

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

The Sleeping Congregation.

"I get the strange feeling this has happened before."

Sermon Applause.

'I had to give a short speech last night. It was a hoot!'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'I'm retiring, to spend more time with my family of mutual find investments,'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.