Lecture Giver T-Shirts

"Oh no, the lectern and microphone. I get the feeling I'm getting another one of your boring life lectures."

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'Never mind inspiration. I need background material on atomic physics.'

'But I digress...'

Eternal Student.

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Make a lot of money."

Scarcity

'...And here we have the 'Laugher Curve.''

"Nervous about this morning's presentation?"

'What amazes me most is that years ago I couldn't even spell teacher - now I are one!'

How to deliver a successful presentation.

"Any questions?"

'He was only reaching for his powerpoint presentation pointer.'

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

Kardiff.

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"But I see you're having difficulty following my argument."

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"Yes, Jane Lyons, sitting next to Katy Jones, class of 2018, it is important for a writer to know her audience."

The theory that ‘Time is Relative' came to the professor during a Decelerated Math Class.

"Always with the String Theory."

"And may I now introduce Professor Muckenspucker, who is an authority on artificial stupidity."