Sermon Star Pillows

'Success, Simkins, is when someone shouts 'encore' after the sermon.'

"No, a question period will not follow!"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Monk Prompt

"Dearly Besequinned . . . "

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

Applause

Church: Open Sundays

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Male On Sunday

"Please refrain from throwing business cards."

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'No more Mr. Nice Guy...'

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

'I understand there have been complaints that his sermons weren't getting through to the teenagers.'

'Personally, I prefer a more traditional message for Easter Service.'