Sermon Comedian Pillows

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Support group for sheep.

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'He does.'

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

St. Elmo's fired.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"...and in conclusion..."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"Thou Shalt not Covid thy Neighbor's Wife!"

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

How's my Sermon . . .

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

"Closed until further notice."

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

Pastor of Muppets

"Ugh, I need to hide - he has a strict policy about workplace dating."

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."