Sermon Comedian Pillows

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Support group for sheep.

'He does.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

St. Elmo's fired.

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"...and in conclusion..."

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

How's my Sermon . . .

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"Ugh, I need to hide - he has a strict policy about workplace dating."

Pastor of Muppets

"Closed until further notice."

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'