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"For those of you visiting our church for the first time just raise your hand and our ushers will refresh your coffee."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

Yoga vs. Prosecco

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

Soccer games took on a whole new meaning for the parents of Hillsdale Youth Soccer.

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

Male On Sunday

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'It's an innovative way to boost attendance.'

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

“There once was a woman who lived in a can of prebiotic soda… & only then did she consume enough to reap the health benefits claimed on the label.”

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"The 'Ex' huh?"

Happy hour.

'No more Mr. Nice Guy...'

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

"That was a good sermon...but I'd have settled for a soundbite."

'Why honest is the best policy...'

Please follow safe worship practices.

Preaching to the inverted.

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

'Good to see you in church on Sunday.' -'So that's where I was.'

Priest gets coffee from a Rev. Coffee Machine

"It has a nice, divine quality without being overly liturgical."