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"So, when will you start telling us about good vs bad cholesterol?"

Church Pastor Paul Lucas - NOW IN 3D

Blessed are those who hunger, for they are sticking to their diet plan.

'Hello? Al's Round the World Tours?'

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Church for sports worshipers.

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"You know, it really wasn’t that bad."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."