Sermon Sage Gifts

"Haven't you watched the news lately? There's no way to run out of sermon topics anymore!"

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Lady of the bath...

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"I don't know… Did you try Googling it?"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

Turning Japanese: I really think so.

'Hey, wait a minute...Apples aren't indigenous to this geopraphical region.'

'Now that we've learned to talk, maybe we should establish some speech codes.'

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

The Paper Route

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

One way only.

Voltaire

A book reviewer reads between the margins.

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

"First order of business...no more memos beginning 'Once Upon a Time.'"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

Three Witches from Macbeth

"Less roman, more clef."

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

"Time to administer scout leader first aid protocol..."

"It doesn't say, son, who they pawned the kittens off on after the flood."

Bishop with a crozier case.

' Sheesh! I think people are getting tired of hearing those fables of Aesop's

'Beautiful book. However, I'm afraid it lacks video game potential.'

"Pecos Bildungsroman"