Senior Humor Connoisseur Pillows

"Who's he trying to impress? Silly ass!"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"He's a guard dog."

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

'Take me to you lieder.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Toothless Meal

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."