Semi-annual Review Gifts

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"I hate performance review season."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"We've developed a five year plan that includes ample provisions for another five year plan if this one doesn't work."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'Here are some bonus checks. Distribute them unfairly.'

Vulture sitting over a plummeting graph.

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'