Yearly Review Gifts

"You're a super performer...so you get a lollipop."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"We're experienced an extraordinary amount of growth this year."

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"I hate performance review season."

"#Win!"

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

"We've developed a five year plan that includes ample provisions for another five year plan if this one doesn't work."

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

Flu vaccine.

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'Here are some bonus checks. Distribute them unfairly.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Worried man looking at stock market chart on his computer screen with office party going on in the background.