Annual Performance Review Gifts

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'... And you say that this hypnotist promised to relax you for this interview? '

'The bank's grown, and we hope you'll grow with us.'

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

'Lately I've detected an alarming disinterest in your work.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"#Win!"

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

Targets.