Quarterly Review Gifts

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"Are we afraid of a little competition? Based on the figures, absolutely."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'This year we're in really great shape. Nobody understands our financial statement!'

"The first one is actual, the second was our projection."

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'...and if you want to see this month's figures, you'll have to go down to the basement!'

"It's been a great year - let's hope we can keep the shareholders from finding out."

"Before we review our plans for the next quarter, I thought you all may want to keep in mind a little advice from my advisory panel."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"This doesn't bode well."

"Actually, this is where there was a slight earth tremor."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

Boss with PROFITS chart, going down: 'We need to stop hiring people on how well they play softball!'

"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. So let's all do our best to forget how great last year's revenues were."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"I know you people are a bunch of incurable optimists, but I think this financial report is the cure for that."

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

"As you read the financials, John...be assured that it's acceptable today for men to cry."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"And this all happened in the last week..."

'I just asked to see the annual figures...'

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

Financial chart with frowny and smiley faces.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"I hate performance review season."

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

'We're holding our own, but I'd really like to see some growth.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"