Quarterly Business Review Gifts

"Sir, here is your speech for the shareholders' meeting..."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"I hate performance review season."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'We're holding our own, but I'd really like to see some growth.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

'If I may say so, business is booming.'

Business is off the chart.

Soaring Profits

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"At least we're consistent ... "

Beware of the 4th quarter.

"Which way up do you want it?"

"And so if the pillage numbers don't improve this quarter, I have just one word for you: waterskis."

"I can't understand it, we did quite well in the first three quarters.

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

Financial chart with frowny and smiley faces.