Self-unemployed Survivor Gifts

'I used to be self-employed, but I got fired!'

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I'd like a week off without any business related e-mail on my home computer."

I feel better than ever physically but I'm totally obsolete at work. In life 60 is the new 40. In the workplace 40 is the new 60.

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

With the mine closing down due to Emission concerns...somone had to shake their booty to keep food on the table.

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

"We're a bit understaffed today, could you be 6 people?"

Eye, ear, nose, throat and loans to pay the bills.

"'Can correctly complete a CAPTCHA image 8 our of 10 times.' Any other skills?"

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

'I am sorry Davis, your bonus is a bit different this year, its all down to cashflow; but you can take your pick.'

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'You're overqualified... so you'll have to act stupid.!

Home Business - Business Cards.

'I hereby sentence you to 40 years labor in an office with fluorescent lighting, just enough salary to keep you alive...'

'That's great, Bob, but I was just going to ask if you wanted anything from the deli next door.'

'I'm sorry. The CEO can't come to the phone right now. He's entertaining some prospective clients over lunch.'

'Really?! You didn't get fired today, either?! That's 60 days in a row! I'm so proud of you!'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

City Dump: Resumes.

Bob gets his walking papers.

"I'm just basking in the glow of my not screwing anything up today."

"Dear Helen, Freelance works remains lucrative, but stressful."

Careers Advice

"I'm about as mainstream as you can get. I go to church, I'm all for the family, I hate Saddam Hussein, and I'm unemployed."

You're lucky you took the buyout. I was downsized.

'Nobody has seen as many employees and CEOs coming and going as you have, Higgins. How long have you worked here now?'

'I remember you. Were you laid off from this company last month?'

The Gulag Archicubicle.

Rejection.com

'I looked forward to retirement. Now, thanks to the economy, I'm looking at re-hirement.'