Self-sufficient Jokers Gifts

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

'What do you like about winter? I like these crisp, cold morning walks in the glistening snow.' 'I like how you can keep your extra beer outside.'

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

'Bummer Dude! No waves. Moondoggie punked me!'

Lesbians for Christ

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'This is what Jack and me have managed to create so far...all you have to do is add your poop to the top and we have a field record!'

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

Google signwriter.

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

'The truth is, Gorillas don't even like bananas...They just love pratfalls.'

'That's what I said,dear-your dinner's in the chippie..'

"Kayakers Fred! Let's surface next to them and check the look on their faces!"

To save space, we eliminated hallways and doors, by adding catwalk and ladders.

'On the outside I'm all ho-ho-ho. But inside I feel weak and shaky, like a bowl full of jelly.'

How electric eels "welcome" door-to-door salesmen

The Gardener's Calendar: If your fish pool is covered with ice...make a hole in it.

"It was worth a try."

How to avoid a heart attack.

"I took your advice."

"So I'll have to believe it so see it?"

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

'Why are you watching TV with the lights off?'

"But is it Organic?"

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

Watch for Men Being Supid

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

'Derek knew that someone, somewhere must have designed a car with a shopping basket.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'