Self-proclaimed King Gifts

"They call me the king of railroad salvage - 'they' being my wife, actually."

Servant brings king skateboard on pillow.

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

"Surprise!"

"'Conquer Spain'? 'Balance the budget'? 'Reform the justice system'? -- You call this a honey-do list?"

The Unhappy King

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

'Not gruel, stupid! -- I said find the GRAIL!'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

Counting my Bonus...

The Royal Wii

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

'I cut myself slashing the budget!'

Everybody forgot his jubilee.

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

'You can scratch your back when the war is over!'

'Between you and me Wizard, is it true that you intellectuals have pointed heads?'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

'You might want to try another photographer, Sire. This one tends to cut the heads off.'

A war would have been bad enough, but losing Alsace-Lorraine in a poker game?

"Enemies, yes, but doesn't your moat also keep out love?"

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"If I had it all to do over again, I would have liked to be the King of Swing."

'I know it seems like a war, but it's actually an all-out struggle for peace!'

'Well, you DID know this job was dangerous when you took it.'

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

"Friend or foe?"

'Let it go, will you? -- That whoopie cushion incident was years ago!'

"The kids - Prince Englebert and Princess Felicia - would like us to move into the olde monarchs' home."

'It's just until the election is over, but I'm replacing you with Dick Morris.'

"Why, this is fit for me!"

'I wish you wouldn't bring work home with you!'

"Oh well, what does a jester know?"