Self-proclaimed King T-Shirts

"They call me the king of railroad salvage - 'they' being my wife, actually."

Servant brings king skateboard on pillow.

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

"Surprise!"

"'Conquer Spain'? 'Balance the budget'? 'Reform the justice system'? -- You call this a honey-do list?"

"Where the hell's my Slinky?"

The Unhappy King

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

'Not gruel, stupid! -- I said find the GRAIL!'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

The Royal Wii

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

Counting my Bonus...

'I cut myself slashing the budget!'

Everybody forgot his jubilee.

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

A war would have been bad enough, but losing Alsace-Lorraine in a poker game?

'You can scratch your back when the war is over!'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'Between you and me Wizard, is it true that you intellectuals have pointed heads?'

'You might want to try another photographer, Sire. This one tends to cut the heads off.'

"Enemies, yes, but doesn't your moat also keep out love?"

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"If I had it all to do over again, I would have liked to be the King of Swing."

'I know it seems like a war, but it's actually an all-out struggle for peace!'

"We lost another battle? Why does this keep happening?"

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

"One of you go see who's at the door."

'Well, you DID know this job was dangerous when you took it.'

'Let it go, will you? -- That whoopie cushion incident was years ago!'

'I wish you wouldn't bring work home with you!'

"Why, this is fit for me!"

"The kids - Prince Englebert and Princess Felicia - would like us to move into the olde monarchs' home."

"Oh well, what does a jester know?"