Self-googler Gifts

I googled myself today. I read a lot of bad things about myself. But the good news, if it can be called that, is that none of it matter, because I'm fictional.

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"Existentialist Trail. Get lost then found. Nietzsche Park System"

"I don't know… Did you try Googling it?"

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

INSTANT GREY HAIR TREATMENT.

So You've Cloned Yourself

'I can beat my own drum but it'll be counting on your to toot my horn.'

"Every time I explore the corners of my mind, I have the urge to dust."

Man to date about many self-portraits on his wall: 'Self-realization is where I'm headed.'

'I'm trying to get my competence and my confidence in the same place.'

For $10 I'll show you how you're ugly.

"I see you shaved your legs...for your boyfriend?"

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

A hard green shell on the outside doesn't always mean it's chocolaty on the inside.

"I'm thinking of changing my parting."

"Adolescencia"

"Look, I still fit into the fitted sheet I wore when we met."

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

CEO Gets Thumbs Up From His Portrait.

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

'When I googled myself, and nothing came up, I began to question my own existence!'

'Does my bum look big in this?'

"You want self-motivation? Look! I have my own carrot and stick!"

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

'I want to be yummy mummified.'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

"Good morning, folks, this is Captain Holwood from the flight deck. We'll be cruising at thirty-five thousand feet today, and I'll be finally taking control of my life, struggling to satisfy the needs of only one person—me!"

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

'I just feel so used all the time.'

'We ran a full DNA test, STR and Mitochondrial analysis... and Bob here 'Googled' it just to make sure.'

"Papi! Papi! I figured it out! I know exactly what I'm gonna be when I grow up!"

After a lifetime of searching, Leonard finds himself.

Well there's something you don't see every day...