Self-employment Satire Gifts

Sex Fuss

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

Up-to-date Career-Specific Romance Novels

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

Death Boss

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

Boardroom cream pies.

'While I'm not looking for the typical 'Yes Man', I want a man who finds it extremely difficult to say 'No' to my suggestions.'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'Now that the price of gold is up, we'd like to have your retirement watch back, Boggs.'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

"You'll be allowed to work from home two days a week... Saturday and Sunday."

'I told you not to take a left out of the office - now we're completely lost!'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

Revolving Doors Ltd. - 'He's in, out, in, out ...'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

'Of course you've got a say in this firm! For example 'Yes, sir!', 'You're right, sir!', 'Aye Aye, sir!' or 'As you like it, sir!'

"We encourage finger pointing in this company."

"I'm looking for someone who's qualified to cover my mistakes."

"Well, certainly his claim seems justified , but if we paid off every justified claim what kind of insurance company would we be?"

"Jenkins, rumor has it there are people outside this meeting who are doing actual work. Go find out."

'You're a spineless, craven, frightened little man, Bradberg - I like that in an employee.'

'Our severance package, Perkins, includes the option of riding off into the sunset.'

Bow first.

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

'We are outsourcing your job to Borneo where it will be performed by a monkey.'

'The trouble started when the world put together a large group of synchronized banks.'