Satirical Employer Gifts

'You're a spineless, craven, frightened little man, Bradberg - I like that in an employee.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

What's wrong with the computer you've got?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

National Boss Monument.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

In and Out Tray

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

'I'm being promoted to The Capable Office - he said I'm incapable!'