Self-centered Humor Fan Pillows

'What have you got to say for yourself? Or would you rather hear about me?'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Trump Poutine

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Amateurs."

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

'More government surveillance!'

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

Can't even hold signs well.

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

The Thinker?

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

'Yes, I'm sure Latestagrossa is the patient's name, and not the disease!'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

Germany: willingness for anti-corona vaccination decreases!

"He is walking from 'Lands end to John'o'Groats', virtually."

How men process questions.

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

'It's the bank again... What I'd give for a bit of good old-fashioned heavy breathing!'

'It's all due to the birthrate falling drastically...'

Greenspanisms for sale (50c)

"That's right. An increase in your title!"

A whale with corporate sponsorship

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Biden Ignores the G7 Leaders on Afghanistan

"Our vegan dishes are the same as what cows eat: Nitrates, Pesticides, Ammonia, Antibiotics..."