Self-centered Humor Fan Pillows

'What have you got to say for yourself? Or would you rather hear about me?'

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Trump Poutine

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Amateurs."

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

Can't even hold signs well.

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'More government surveillance!'

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

The Thinker?

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

Germany: willingness for anti-corona vaccination decreases!

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

'Yes, I'm sure Latestagrossa is the patient's name, and not the disease!'

How men process questions.

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"He is walking from 'Lands end to John'o'Groats', virtually."

'It's the bank again... What I'd give for a bit of good old-fashioned heavy breathing!'

Greenspanisms for sale (50c)

'It's all due to the birthrate falling drastically...'

"That's right. An increase in your title!"

You guys were right! Screaming profanities is more satisfying than howling these days.

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

"Italy just bought France."

A whale with corporate sponsorship

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'