Security System Nerd Pillows

'The day Ali Baba had to call a locksmith.'

'Where was the TSA?'

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

Well, you and I know it's our home, but our 'smart home' doesn't know it's our home

"All it will do is move crime to the South Pole."

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

CCTV in church.

'Since PRISM, nothing is 'off the record' any more.'

The Ayatollah Bomb?

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

>Enter new password: BEEF STEW >Password not stroganoff.

Automation of Security

"If you're my gramma you wouldn't have a problem consenting to a retina scan!"

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

'Someone is reading our emails. I'm afraid this means we're going to have to talk to each other.'

'Principal McWit, a student without an appointment is here and says he's holding your computer access codes for ransom.'

"Hi, I'm the new IT-security-expert! Where is your server room? I want to see if I can overcome your firewall!"

The prime minister: the current threat to national security...

'Don't worry -- the security camera is for your own protection.'

'They take patient privacy so seriously around here they encrypt your name!'

"No, I'm not able to transplant your computer's antivirus software into your body. Try washing your hands more often."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'This fridge is fitted with CCTV.'

'Halt! User name and password.'

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

'D'you ever get that uncanny feeling we're not being watched.'

"Your calls may be monitored for training purposes..."

Every time I try to warn people about the threat level, they say, surely, you jest.

"My mom the security expert never trusted me. She'd never tell me her maiden name."