Security System Geek Pillows

"Did you remember to turn on the alarm?"

'Next time you lose your keys, lets call a locksmith instead of blow torching the door.'

"Uh, oh! We've got a problem! This safe has a childproof lock."

Welcome Mat

'Where was the TSA?'

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

"All it will do is move crime to the South Pole."

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

"I think earth's antivirus software expired."

"Since we installed the video surveillance system we're losing fewer socks."

CCTV in church.

"Honey, our pop-up blocker stopped working again."

The Ayatollah Bomb?

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

Automation of Security

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

"If you're my gramma you wouldn't have a problem consenting to a retina scan!"

'Someone is reading our emails. I'm afraid this means we're going to have to talk to each other.'

'Don't worry -- the security camera is for your own protection.'

The prime minister: the current threat to national security...

'Principal McWit, a student without an appointment is here and says he's holding your computer access codes for ransom.'

"Hi, I'm the new IT-security-expert! Where is your server room? I want to see if I can overcome your firewall!"

'They take patient privacy so seriously around here they encrypt your name!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'This fridge is fitted with CCTV.'

'Halt! User name and password.'

"I just installed a home security monitor."

'D'you ever get that uncanny feeling we're not being watched.'

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

"Your calls may be monitored for training purposes..."

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

"My mom the security expert never trusted me. She'd never tell me her maiden name."

Every time I try to warn people about the threat level, they say, surely, you jest.