Security Professional Pillows

"Do you think terrorists could ever poison the vodka supply?"

Dog barking at everything except a burglar.

'A square knot's a good start, but I'd like to see an alarm system and some deadbolts installed as well,'

'How are these secrets getting out? It's almost as if the competition has a fly on the boardroom wall!'

'Where have out teachers gone...'

"Meet the new head of security."

"You'll never get that past security."

A man realises surveillance cameras are on him at the urinal.

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

Smaller safes inside bigger safes.

Identity thieves in jail.

'I already have a home security system.'

At the secret door store.

'I can remember when you could go out without having to worry!'

'Good evening sir,I'm doing a survey on home security.'

The modern American airport

'Right son...you're knicked!'

'For your safety, these stalls are monitored by a single person in a discreet location.'

"I'll find you some candy, but first tell me how you got past the Secret Service."

'... so I put the combination in the safest place I could think of.'

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

'I only sneezed because I have hay fever.'

Paradise Surveillance.

Desert Isle CCTV

'Good evening. I'm Scotty, the loss prevention specialist.'

You're being watched.

Safety

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

'We tried artificial flies. We tried lures. We tried live bait. Nothing works...'

'A vault? Yes Sir, I'll be sure to pass your suggestion on to management.'

"Actually it's a lot of pressure."

"I've got a lot of insecurities. It's not that bad except for the insecurity guards. They're costing me a small fortune."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Please remove all spiritual baggage and step through the soul scanner.'