Secretive Eater Gifts

'I knew I needed help when I started going to fast food places only at night so I wouldn't have to share with sea gulls.'

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Don't tell coach about this- he doesn't want us to be friends."

"Here's a buck, kid... Don't tell your mom I snuck out of my retirement home!"

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

'OK, remain calm. Who's missing? Milk? Eggs? Cheese? Where'd they go? How much do they know? And will they talk?'

"That? - oh my husband - a closet bricklayer."

Clandestine Cuisine

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

"As you can see this is pretty embarrassing so I'd appreciate keeping it between you, me and this fence post."

Two men trout fishing

"The good thing about eating a melon is that you wash your face at the same time!"

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

Naughty Food

"Sergio, you know I don't snoop...but I was in Baldo's room this morning...and I found this."

My Life as a Troll

'I'm a finicky vegetarian. I don't eat eggs unless they're poached. I don't eat meat, unless it is properly marinated. I don't eat fish unless it's breaded and fried.'

'Careful. Janet's Broccoli Bean casserole is so lethal, Al-Qaeda's looking for the recipe!'

"Without social media how would everyone know that I was vegan?"

'With a grin like that you can't be sticking to your diet'

'Remember, what happens in the basement stays in the basement!'

Flower jumps back into its pot when a lady walks into the room.

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

GOD BLESS OUR UNDISCLOSED LOCATION.

"Tell me again how you found this secret fishing hole?"

'So, Allan, your super-secret hunting site, it wouldn't be down by the nuclear waste dump, would it?'

'Isn't that a coincidence. . . you're the third John Smith we've had tonight.'

'Yuk. That's been in an animal's mouth.'

Were you really supposed to be in the 1980 Olympics, Sadie? I DON