Secret Shopper T-Shirts

"I bought this one behind my art consultant's back."

'She's so put together!'

"I think I've found the most comfy jeans."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

'They've certainly got designs on your purse!'

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

"The only thing that's not gone up is the pound."

"Amazing! It's the season of me!"

"The Box is bigger, the contents smaller, increased the price and called it improved."

"Perhaps a cozy scarf to go with the hat?"

'She's on the trail of a pair of Jimmy Choo's.'

'It's amazing! I'm a magician! I can make a weekly wage disappear in four hours!'

STRIP Hambone: Expensive repair job

'So the prince and princess lowered their expectations became savvy consumers, then they lived reasonably contented forever after.'

I e-bay t-shirt.

No one ever discovered Mad Jake's secret: he was taking a correspondence course in interior decoration.

'Do you have any relaxed fit jeans that aren't quite so relaxed?'

'I went to see a personal shopper this afternoon. . . I thought I'd surprise you!'

Guilty Pleasures

Colay's glass bottom boat tours!

"You went to Barneys without me? You slut!"

"I can't believe I spent seven million dollars on tights."

'Let's shop faster. I need the exercise.'

How do you like the new suit?

"Most of it is the same, but if you look here you'll see that the price is twice as big"

'Try and look skint-here comes my boss!'

"I don't want an 'outfit'. I just want clothes."

'My wife doesn't just allow for inflation - she helps it along.'

'Going into business sale' at a jeweler's.

e-procurement