Secret Shopper T-Shirts

"I bought this one behind my art consultant's back."

'She's so put together!'

"I think I've found the most comfy jeans."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

'They've certainly got designs on your purse!'

"The only thing that's not gone up is the pound."

"Amazing! It's the season of me!"

Happiness is spending late summer afternoon on a buying binge at the iPhone app store.

"The Box is bigger, the contents smaller, increased the price and called it improved."

Twas the week before Christmas and all thru the house

"Perhaps a cozy scarf to go with the hat?"

'She's on the trail of a pair of Jimmy Choo's.'

I e-bay t-shirt.

'So the prince and princess lowered their expectations became savvy consumers, then they lived reasonably contented forever after.'

STRIP Hambone: Expensive repair job

'It's amazing! I'm a magician! I can make a weekly wage disappear in four hours!'

No one ever discovered Mad Jake's secret: he was taking a correspondence course in interior decoration.

'I went to see a personal shopper this afternoon. . . I thought I'd surprise you!'

'Do you have any relaxed fit jeans that aren't quite so relaxed?'

"I can't believe I spent seven million dollars on tights."

"You went to Barneys without me? You slut!"

Self Magazine,

Guilty Pleasures

Colay's glass bottom boat tours!

'Let's shop faster. I need the exercise.'

"Most of it is the same, but if you look here you'll see that the price is twice as big"

How do you like the new suit?

'Going into business sale' at a jeweler's.

'Try and look skint-here comes my boss!'

'My wife doesn't just allow for inflation - she helps it along.'

"I don't want an 'outfit'. I just want clothes."