Seasonal Art Critic Gifts

The Thinking Santa

You're my Mona Lisa.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

Use your imagination.

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"Happy Gnu Year!"

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Well....I could've done this!"

"Personally, I'm a doer."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'Wow...Your work is amazing!'

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

'Projectile painting.'

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'Nice, but it needs more angst.'

Convenience.

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

A Footnote - Self Portrait of Beardsley, Bound to the God of Nature

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

The Rise of Modern Art

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old