Contemporary Art Critic Gifts

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"While yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

'Oh, I think I know exactly what the artist is saying. He's saying; 'With a bit of luck, some idiot will buy this junk'!'

Oil on canvas/oil in barrel.

"Well I think it stinks!"

Marie-Therese Walter

"Of course nobody can make head nor tale of it, but the good news is that it's been nominated for the Turner prize next year."

You're my Mona Lisa.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

Use your imagination.

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Well....I could've done this!"

"Personally, I'm a doer."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

'Wow...Your work is amazing!'

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'Projectile painting.'

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

The Rise of Modern Art

Convenience.

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

A Footnote - Self Portrait of Beardsley, Bound to the God of Nature