Screaming Enthusiast Pillows

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'Office Woofers. For the quiet and obnoxious boss.'

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'What has twelve legs and barks?'

Get crazy once in a while

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"I'm still looking for the lap of luxury."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'We recommend that you get a ring of equal weight for the other hand to prevent improper alignment of your spine.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Magic Tricks

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'Do you always have to shout? Well? Do you? Huh?'

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."