Crying Enthusiast Pillows

"I always cry at weddings because I'm philosophically opposed to the institution of marriage."

Water divining.

Licensed Therapist

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"Why won't you cuddle?"

'I like a woman who's open and friendly, as long as she's only that way with me.'

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

"We added it just for the millenials."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"How sweet of you to say -- and how dare you!"

'Hello - I've been parachuted in to save the bank.'

Grumpy Old Men

"When I get older, I want to be just like you, Dad."

'Darlin', what's an adjective for a two-timin', heart-breakin' outlaw that rhymes with iPod?'

"I was so happy after winning the Mood Swing World Champs, I did a victory lap of all the known emotions."

'Kids get right up my nose!'

'Maybe you should try crying on the OUTSIDE....'

Man asking lady if she cares for him

"I can't come out, Mary is having one of her marathon cries."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Valentine's Day Kiss

Women rush to man with 'I heart emotions' t-shirt.

'Wow, breathing! What a concept.'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

'First, developing your brain! There's enough time for feelings later!'

"Try to smile a bit louder."

My valentine

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're getting grumpier.'