School Saga Gifts

"Your grades are suffering. Ask your dad to stop helping you with your homework."

'Listen kid, I'm sorry to hear that you're banned from class, but if you're going to hang out with me all day, you're gonna have make yourself more useful.'

'From six to to eighteen, they're always at that age.'

"If wisdom comes with age, what are we doing here at eight and a half?"

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

Teacher: 'As an adult you'll probably only use a quarter of what you're taught at school - which brings us to fractions.'

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Curse or not, Dave had to pass this exam.

'My teacher said the school has tough new standards and I need to improve my vocabulary. What's 'vocabulary'?'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

"Dad got your note threatening to fail me. Here's dad's attorney's note threatening to sue you."

'I work at a school's Lost Property Office: I track down the owners of lost items...'

Smirking or Non-smirking

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

'Don't trust people Billy, they'll only hurt you.'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

"When I said to fight back, I didn't realize the school bully you were referring to was the principal!"

Teacher to parents: 'Ah - you're right. What do I know about kids? My biological clock went coo-coo years ago.'

'Before I begin today's lesson, please turn off your cell phones, beepers and ipods.'

'Any other counter-terrorism experience besides driving a junior high school bus?'

I WILL NOT COMMENT ON MS. STEMPEL'S WART

'Tonight there's a small, select meeting of the P.T.A - just you, me and the Head!'

'My first thought was to say, 'I made a mistake', but then I began to have second thoughts...'Telling me not to do it'.'

'What are you eating?' 'Paste.'

The first day of school is always filled with crazy emotions. Joy and trauma. Triumph and failure. Frustration and disappointment. And that's just dealing with my cruddy new locker.

"Dad, I misbehaved at school again, so my teacher sent me home with a bill for her therapy."

'What'

Teacher to parent: 'He's been transferred from Detention to a Minimum Security Facility.'