Scholarship Seekers Gifts

Last Parent Trying To Get Child Into College

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

'True, the Ezra Yomp Scholarship is very generous, but you have to be a capricorn to apply.'

'Higher learning gets higher each year.'

Pinara fund

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Continuing education.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

Bribes for Jabs

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

Before getting a basketball scholarship, Jack worked at a pancake house.

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'The best grants lie that-a-ways, Ma'am.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"There is a medical use for marijuana. I sold it to pay my tuition at medical school."

Scenes we'd most like to see...

Morton's pride was understandable. He was the first in the Pinhead Family to ever graduate.

'OKAY, okay Sandra, I'll PAY for your University course. But it BETTER NOT cost me an arm and a leg!...'

'It's a private school. Can't say which one, it's private.'

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

"Great. First our funding ran out, now the rat."

'It's the only way I can afford this place.'

Student Debt

"Sorry, but you need at least a Masters to get into the Deep Woods."

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

1/2 Full Foundation: Optimists only need apply.

"That's for our son. . . the one with a basketball scholarship!"

"Just the, two recruiters from the college's awning leap team drove by."

Roads Scholar

Hey, Twig! Why so blue? Everyone's into awesome stuff this summer. Math camps. Leadership programs. Studies abroad. A bunch of resume padders. Yeah, They're grinds. What about you? Nothing special. Just volunteering. Where? At a rain forest project in Costa Rica. That's look so lame on your college application.