Scholarly Jokester Gifts

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

"There is no complaint department, Robert."

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

"Hello, Pine Grove Elementary? Could you tell Miss Pritchard to come to Lakeview Veterinarian Clinic right away?"

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

'Sorry mum, I had a brain freeze during the test...'

"Are you sure this is a 'Flu virus?" "See for yourself...it's nose is running!"

'Hard or soft science?'

'One placebo or two, doctor?'

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

'Don't you hate it when they look BACK at you?'

"This'll show the Theology Department."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

At first, Moses was worried about the manna from heaven.

'Lately, I've been thinking a lot about evolution. My theory is that it all points to 'survival of the fattest'.'

'My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, so they let me spend a night at a Ramada.'

"It's the formula for a black hole."

'But it may be easier to understand the meaning of bioengineered life.'

"Information is moved via neurotransmitters from neuron to neuron via the synapses into the brain where it is then retrieved by the memory via a slap on the back of the head."

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

'Reallly Miss Jones...all this fuss over a silly little spider!'

'Oh, now that's a nice vase...'

"Ah - The 'Big Gang' theory."

Student writing on blackboard - I will not egg the principal's car.

'What are you talking about? ? how can you have half a quantum theory?'