Scalp Satirist Gifts

"His baldness was way out of control, so we had to put him into a medically induced comb-over."

Copycats

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"I'd like to have a word with you about this spirit animal."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'Coleridge'

Alabama Traffic Jam

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"It was a botched surgery."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

Macho Vegetarian

Latest Aye Phone

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"The amendments are coming next week!"

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."

'It's funny because it's true.'

'He did it for us.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sebum! I think you'll love this property on the left side of the chin. It's a wonderful place to start a pimple."

Matador Artificial Insemination.

"Information is moved via neurotransmitters from neuron to neuron via the synapses into the brain where it is then retrieved by the memory via a slap on the back of the head."

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"He's going to be fine. We're just putting his giblets back."

"You idiot! It's all bare walls and Ikea these days."

It's academic