Satirical Server Gifts

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Caesar salad?'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

Pop up begger.

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

NHS computer: Kaput.

"Parts and labor?"

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"Miss Winthrop, tell my callers that I'm busy with the World Bank."

TV and man

"Die alone"

"I'm going to use my tax cut to trickle down on you all."

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

A well-dressed panhandler holds a sign that reads "Will argue for food".

doom.com

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

Death reads a bedtime story.

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Joy Behar?'

"Excuse me, have you seen a large gent with a red coat and face to match."

Planning Office - Acquired by Tesco