Satirical Server Gifts

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Caesar salad?'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

Follow me on Twitter...

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Pop up begger.

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"Let me take that for you."

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

NHS computer: Kaput.

A well-dressed panhandler holds a sign that reads "Will argue for food".

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"Some other news, China declares war on Peru, ISIS blows up the pyramids and the pope resigns. Now back to more comments from David Bowie fans."

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

"Parts and labor?"

doom.com

TV and man

"Die alone"

"Miss Winthrop, tell my callers that I'm busy with the World Bank."

"I'm going to use my tax cut to trickle down on you all."

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Joy Behar?'

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

Death reads a bedtime story.

"Excuse me, have you seen a large gent with a red coat and face to match."