Automated Service Satirist Gifts

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"It's my helper trout!"

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

"Hello, my name is Eddie and I will be your customer tonight."

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"Parts and labor?"

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

Royal Mail Privatisation

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

We Offer Fast, Friendly Or Quality Service! "So, which one do you want?"

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

'Tellers laughing ' 'Can I have my statement?'

'Don't worry, he always feigns death when it comes to tipping.'

'We're well known for serving only the freshest mineral water, Madame.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

"I don't know why they call you a waiter... I'm the one that's been doing all the waiting!"

Use Next Window.

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

'We're sorry sir, but our kitchen is out-sourced and takes a little longer.'

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'

"But the good news is that if you get a life threatening illness...then you'd get a decent payout."

"To think this all began with letting Autocomplete finish our sentences."

An accident waiting to happen.