Automated Service Satirist Gifts

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"It's my helper trout!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

If you don't give me a free hot chocolate, you're probably not a patriot. #$%* Fox News.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"Hello, my name is Eddie and I will be your customer tonight."

'Would you like a room on the sunny side, sir? Haha, just kidding!'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"Parts and labor?"

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

Royal Mail Privatisation

We Offer Fast, Friendly Or Quality Service! "So, which one do you want?"

'We're well known for serving only the freshest mineral water, Madame.'

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

'Tellers laughing ' 'Can I have my statement?'

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'Don't worry, he always feigns death when it comes to tipping.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

"I don't know why they call you a waiter... I'm the one that's been doing all the waiting!"

"But the good news is that if you get a life threatening illness...then you'd get a decent payout."

Use Next Window.

'We're sorry sir, but our kitchen is out-sourced and takes a little longer.'

An accident waiting to happen.

"To think this all began with letting Autocomplete finish our sentences."