Satirical Scribes Gifts

Alexander Pope

'Precise, analytical and beautifully reasoned address. Now condense it down to a snappy sports metaphor.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

"It's publish or perish, and he hasn't published."

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

Buzzfeed does The Bible: 10 commandments that will blow your mind.

"The amendments are coming next week!"

'... and make it look like an accident.'

"I'm not a food critic I'm a literary critic and I've found the prose on your menu to be second-rate."

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."

Monkey Business College

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

"Maybe you're right. Maybe the multiple exclamation points come across as over excited and insincere."

"How can a student who can't speak English or Gobbledegook expect to pass?"

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

Join the protest march, I'm lonely.

"Tests! That's one thing I don't like about the end of school. I can't believe it! You're not finished studying, either?"

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

'It's the new directive from Brussels. We're to steal from everybody and give directly to the banks.'

Poking gentle fun at the company in the blog wasn't meant to include saying that the chief exec had a face like a baboons bottom.