Satirical Humor Aficionados Gifts

Remembers: Elevators can go down as well as up.

'They divided everything in half when they divorced.'

Qatar has the death penalty for homosexuals - will you be carrying a rainbow flag, Mr. Infantino?

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

"I flunked out my last semester."

Free market pinata.

'I told you not to call me while I was working.'

'I see the free government birth control bill passed.'

"Back so soon?"

"Okay, Daddy - we heard about the hissy fit you threw at the school board meeting last night!"

GPs requested ambulances will have to provide a score for level of emergency

Life is for the birds.

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

Cord cutter

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

'Due to government surveillance, is my allowance taxable?'

Unemotional Support Animal

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

Stairlift around cliff face.

"C'mon people! All for me and me for me!"

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

6,000 BC: Neolithic Barbecue

"She's a miniature."

'Does it bother anyone else that our entire business is based on one questionable product?'

Stormy weather

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

Cheating Death.

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."