Satirical Comic Aficionado Gifts

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

Trappist Monk Discord

"Don't make me warn you again, monkey. Stay outa the curiosity racket."

Introducing...Anagraman.

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"My calculations are complete. We could toast 12,000 marshmallows every day for every person on earth for 36,000 years with one solar flare."

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"That's just the end of the panel, girl."

Little boy reading a classic whilst his Dad reads a comic.

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

'That was quite a snow storm last night.'

Corporate Darwinism

Boardroom sacrifice - 'Then we agree - the shareholders don't have to know what transpired here today.'