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Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Birds sitting on satellite dish.

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Trojan horse with a satellite dish.

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Satellite Discovers Sell-by-Date on Planet Earth

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

"You have reservations for 7 o'clock? Ideally..."