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Joe Franklin

"Still having trouble getting guests I see."

"On today's Ask Sadie Show with Sadie Cohen, we discuss one topic: the month of August. Everyone knows the month of August is named after Roman Emperor Augustus Caesar. What many don't realize, though, is Augustus was only a figurehead. The true power behind the throne was wielded by his mistress, Sadius Cohenus XVII. This explains why the month is so oppressive and unbearable." "Shhh... She might hear you."

Moments later, everyone would think Khrushchev was a kook.

'I said what I thought, then I apologized when I started losing advertisers. What does that make me?'

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"No-one's noticed the difference yet. . !"

Showbiz Awards

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Oh, Jeff, you swore this wasn't a podcast."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

Sci-Fi Museum. New Exhibit. H.G. Wells War of the Worlds. In 1938, Orson Welles broadcast "War of the Worlds," a radio drama about aliens from Mars invading earth. The radio drama was presented as a series of fake news reports about devastation caused by the invading aliens. Many listeners turned in to the program mid-roadcast and thought the news reports were real. Widespread panic ensued. Wow! Orson Welles caused all that panic with a radio program. Just imagine what he could have don

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

Pre-Television Man Caves

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Mozart's very good, but can't beat Rossini for sandbox activities.

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

Non Thought For The Day.

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'For the luxury item I'd like my ipod.'

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This just in — I no longer have a job."

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."