Satanic Humor Aficionado Pillows

"I mean that we both leave a trail on the sidewalk!"

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"In heaven there are no trees."

'Sir, we're just not reaching them. Only a small percentage of people own vinyl records, and hardly anyone thinks to play them backwards.'

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

Priest walks by a religious book shelf and and a Satan book pops out to hit him on the head.

"Is it just me or does the dog seem calmer since you got it that new collar?"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"In my spare time, I write reviews on Goodreads."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."