Satanic Satire Lover Pillows

Sacrifices at 4:00PM and 6:00PM

'Really? A Bride of Satan? Golly, Lucille, why did you wait until our fourth date to tell me you were already married?'

Hell before the advent of fire (all dark)

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Occu-Pie Mars

'That's our mission statement.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

UK/US Free Trade Deal

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Do Not Resuscitate

Trump pardons

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

"Away with the warmonger!"

This Message Has No Content

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

Oligarchy

National Everything Awareness Day

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'