Sarcastically Serious Gifts

Thomas Carlyle

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

Redhead

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"How about fashionably never?"