Sarcastically Serious Gifts

Thomas Carlyle

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"How about fashionably never?"

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

The canteen food's pretty awful...